Dear Sapi, I am Sorry



This post is long overdue, I know... but everytime I think of writing this, I'm afraid I'd cry...

But then again, what's wrong with crying, eh?

Anyway, Dear Sapi, I'm so sorry...

I'm so sorry that we didn't get to play a lot anymore after you fell ill. I remember planned with Shinta to visit you sometime soon because we saw that you were looking healthier (you updated your path after a looooong time), but it never actually happened. When we did, you were already unconscious I wasn't sure you knew we were there, but maybe oh maybe, you did?

I remember crying when I met Mba Ratna and the first thing she said to me was you were looking for me lately because her sister is going to Seoul and you told her to ask me about Seoul. I'm so sorry I didn't know this, I'm so sorry we didn't hang out as often as we did when you were all healthy, I feel like such a bad friend. I am so sorry...

As I'm writing this, I feel like I'm going to cry but I'm in my office so I'm not sure what to do. You know that feeling when you're about to cry? That huge lump in your throat? Yeah, that..

Anyway, it shouldn't be a sad post. I'm really thankful having known you in my life and have you as my friend. Since you have heaps of friends out there, maybe I'm not really your closest one, but to me you are one. I'm so happy that I could be there on the day of your wedding, and that we got to hang out a day before your wedding.

Remember when I asked you how does it feel to be almost married? Ah, I honestly want to share it with you too one day when I'm about to marry...

You know, now Path has this walk down memory lane/Blast from the Past feature. It shows us our old post that day from years ago. And from 2-3 years ago, you're always commenting in my post. It wasn't even important, nah.. it didn't even have any meanings.. lol... but it's always so fun re-reading it.

Like the one this morning... lol this isn't even important but seriously, nothing is ever important srsly.





You know what? You taught me a lot. Now things are always unexpected, so I've learnt not to take things for granted. I know, I should've realized this from long ago. But the fact that you're gone and never to come back ever again hit me hard and slap reality to my face. I am so sorry I didn't realize it when you were still there.

So now, I text my friends randomly more often (they don't always reply but that's fine, maybe they're busy). Like what I did with you the first time I discovered you disappeared for too long. Thank goodness I did that so I figured out what had happened. I wonder what would have happened if I did visit you, would you be happier? Would I be able to tease you like I always did? Would you kick me? What would you do? Why didn't I?

All the "what if"s are of no use now. So I'll just move on with our memories in my heart, I'll keep it safe in a box filled with precious memories like gems and shiny things, and I'll guard it, and I'll keep note of it so I won't forget.

Dear Sapi, I am so sorry, I am also thank you.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Sapi, kemaren aku beli sepatu

Image
Tapi salah ukuran... m(_ _")m Jadi untuk piknik ulangtaun besok ke Bangkok, dan piknik di bulan Mei ke Jepang, aku cari sepatu... dan aku sudah memutuskan untuk beli Adidas Superstar Slip-on yang menurut review enak banget dipake. Belinya di berrybenka, yang pas aku buka pas banget lagi ada diskon 20% all item. Dan aku pun pilih size 5 akan 235mm yang mana biasanya size aku emang itu kan.. Besoknya, aku ke amplas, trus iseng mampir ke counter adidas, ternyata disitu juga ada... tapi size 4, begitu aku cobain.. pas banget! Kyaaak... aku pun memutuskan untuk yaah.. yaudah deh besok pas dateng si size 5 aku retur aja sama size 4. Ternyata, pas si size 5 dateng, as expected dia kegedean... bad news is... yang size 4 ga adaaa T^T why... jd aku memutuskan buat tuker sama yang size 4.5... ga beda-beda jauh, harusnya muat lah yah... Nunggu seminggu lagi sampe si 4.5 ini dateng... ternyata pas dicobain tetep kegedean T^T... aslinya sih mungkin kalau aku ga tau betapa pa
Read more

Dear Sapi, it's been a year

Image
Hey, apa kabarmu jauh disana? Jadi sebenernya dari kemaren juga udah inget kalo sekitar tanggal ini kamu pergi, turns out it is today. Ga kerasa banget udah setaun Sap... I'm not actually sure mau nulis apa disini sih.. Is this normal? It's been a year and I still miss you everyday, not like every moment but at random times I do. I think I've never lost anyone this close before, that's why... I guess, I'm still sad when I realize that you're not around anymore. I still have this huge lump in my throat whenever I think of you. I wish we spent more times together, why didn't we? Oh well... Btw, I'm sure you know it already, but I just have to brag about it too to you. I was so proud when I saw the AJ+ video covering XXLab. I remember the last time I went to Jogja (when I still worked in Bandung), we met up and Mba Ratna was in Paris for an exhibition about this. Now this is getting bigger and I'm sure you must be really proud about
Read more

I want to be loved, too...

Image
The title is kinda.. uh.. you know? Hehe... But I was feeling mellow earlier this morning. Not sure why, okay, actually I know why but I don't want to share it here lol. It just feel like college all over again, and I'm being a possessive bitch that doesn't want to share, and I'm afraid of losing. But then again, you can't lose what you never had. And it annoys me sooooo muuuuuuchhhhh!! I'm like, I want to fall in love agaiiiin, I want to be loved, too! I want to get married, build a family, have kids, and stuff too! Everyone else is doing it so why can't I do it too? And like the anchor I held to all this while (unconsciously), seems to be slipping lately and I've just realized it because while I held on to it I didn't realize I did until it's almost gone like right now and I'm like... uggghhh... didn't I tell you not to take things for granted? So why is this happening again? The more I think about it, the more annoyed I
Read more