To Jump

I've been sitting on the edge since... forever... (well okay not really, since the beginning of this year, I guess... so it's been almost 5 months...)

I wanna jump, I've been wanting to jump since that 4  months ago. But something's holding me back, I mean... well of course, because jumping is scary so I was like.. should I or shouldn't I? But I've been wanting to do this, but I'm scared, but I know I will do it anyway or else I will regret it for the rest of my life.

You know by jumping I mean starting off my own business, right? Heh~

It always seems scary because of the questions and uncertainties. Also because if I actually jump, I don't really have anything else to hold on to. I noticed that most of the illustrator that does illustrate from home are at the same time either moms or at least married.

That means they have their husbands to help with the financial should things don't work, well... or so it seems. From my point of view, she's jumping but someone's ensuring their safety, or at least they're jumping together. I guess that's why it seems scary, because I'm jumping alone.

What will happen to me if it fails? Where will I have the money to go on with my life and continuing whatever I wanna do?

I'm 28 and still confused about life... oh dear...

Also, I've been thinking quite a lot of when was the last time I actually fell in love with like you know, heart-fluttering feeling? It seems to be eons ago... I wonder if it's actually longer than that. Lately, whenever I see cute stories on the net I'd be like aww.. ok good for you and that was it.

I kinda want it too but I don't know where to start, what should I do? Especially with mom nagging all day how she wants me to marry someone, like.. I want it too! So what to do? Just grab random man and ask him to bear with me for the rest of his life?

And I've forgotten how it feels like... like when I read a random love stories I'd go... yeah, no it's fake meh... when did I become so salty?

Life lately's been bland, and this annoys me. And this song from Baek Ah Yeon, titled so-so captured perfectly how it is for me.

It’s not like nobody’s good enough for me
I just don’t quite feel like it
I meet guys once or twice or maybe a few days
But the awkwardness is always there


I just don’t get it

Why things don’t turn out well
What could be the problem


No matter who I meet so so

Being alone is just so so
Not so exciting but not all that bad (so so)
I’m starting to forget what love is supposed to be like
I can’t even remember


Though I’m jealous of couples (how lucky)

I’m not that lonely being alone (it’s quite alright)
My phone never rings and I’m free on weekends
The only thing I hate is myself in front of the TV


It is a curious mystery

How people fall in love
Everyone but me


Though I keep trying so so

Though I am struggling so so
There’s no emotion.
There’s no fun.
Everything’s just so so (so so)
Can’t even remember the last time my heart fluttered
I wanna feel for someone too
Wanna love somebody


Even if it's a lyrics, it looks like I can make it into a blog post. Actually it sums up everything pretty well so I'll just leave it here.

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